togheter

I’m confused...  I thought my boyfriend and I belonged to each other, but now I think it was a bit childish to think that I found my soul mate at this age. Or maybe it’s normal for soul mates to fight a lot and wanting to change each other, but I doubt it. We’re at a point where it seems like we only see the bad parts. We tried some things like talking, explaining, but that doesn’t seem to work.
It could be possible that I’m just not capable of having a normal relationship or at least not with the person I’m with at the moment. With everybody else I shut down when they criticize me, not that that’s the good way to handle it, but with my boyfriend, I immediately start defending because it feels like the world will collapse if I show my soft side. Not that I don’t show it, but always afterwards when I’m feeling shitty and cry about how fucked up and worthless I am, sometimes it would be nice not to feel such extremes.
He tells me he’s afraid of telling me what’s bothering him because my reaction is so extreme, and I understand that, but I can’t change that part. And when we got back together after we broke up, he knew that about me, so it kind of pisses me of that he makes such a big deal out of something which he knew was a part of me. Maybe it would be better of my boyfriend could handle me, not by being as fierce as I am, not by shouting back at me, but by just letting me rage. Love it or leave it. Love me for who I am, not for who I could be. Being childish, reacting like he’s a teenager is not helping, saying “Yes, but you do it too!!” is not a grownup way to take critic. Accept that you’re not perfect and accept that I’m not your perfect girlfriend.
I’m not saying that I don’t love him but if our problems are this deep after a year, and he is already afraid to say what’s bothering him, maybe he is just not right for me.
I’m just sick of fighting all the time, I’m not denying that I’m far from perfect, but I’m sick of him complaining about the same shortcomings over and over again. For once I’d like a happy, normal and healthy relationship. And even though I don’t quite believe it, I truly hope I can have that with him.

dad

I’m at a point where I’m starting the figure out that I really miss the man I hated my entire life, not literally that man, but the person he was suppose to be. And I also realized that I’m finding myself in situations that are complete opposite than what I need, but what I can’t figure out is: Is what I need, the same thing as what I want? I find myself in relationships with guys that are not what I think I need, but why do I search for them? Maybe I can date whoever the fuck I want and it won’t make any difference in what I miss…

So father, what if the hole you left in my heart will always stay empty? I hope you realize things as deeply as I do and that the loss of your daughter left you the same empty heart.
I wonder if you are searching for love as much as I do, but I can’t help myself thinking that love might be a feeling that you don’t know. I don’t think I can ever find a man who can love me so much that he can make up for the years that you let me down, I don’t even think it’s healthy to want to be loved as much I want, but you left me no choice. You neglected me; maybe you didn’t even want me. Maybe you didn’t even love me. The worst thing is that it’s all ‘maybe’, I can’t be sure cause every once in a while you actually tried to be a good father, I just don’t know if you really wanted me to have a good time, or just wanted me to like you more than mom to get back at her.
I don’t know all those things and it’s really killing me. I want to let you go, I want you to get out of my head, but fourteen years of terror isn’t that easy to forget or forgive.

You ruined me.

fight

Sometimes people judge you for being something or not being something without knowing what’s really there. They can see you, with your head up high, like there is nothing you’re fighting for, like a swan you seem to move forward, but they don’t see how hard you’re kicking underwater just to stay alive.

The hardest and most important part of the battle is inside your own head, it’s just as hard as actually finding your demons and face them, it’s just less visible. Somebody once said to me, that if you’re not able to move forward, you can better stay where you are because standing still is more progress than walking back. Some people just don’t understand.

I got a tip: before laying words in somebody’s mouth or judging someone or just ‘giving a senseless opinion’ THINK! Think about how well you know that person, try to stand in their shoes, imagine what it’s like to have their head for a day. Cause maybe, you’re wrong and you’re really hurting someone when you say that they are not trying. Cause when someone if fighting for her life for 7 years, you’ll know when she’s not fighting anymore: a funeral to arrange.

You really want to tell me that I’m not trying?

will we survive?

What is it with society? Youth is going to hell this way, and I don’t think I’m being depressing or pessimistic this time…

I grew up in a ‘broken home’ unsafe, terrifying and overall shitty. So it’s not a big wakeup call that life can be bad sometimes, but what I see around me is not only bad, it makes me wonder if it’s even smart to procreate in this world. I mean, do you really want to create new innocent life that can grow up in a world where you have to hope and pray that it’s not your daycare where the pedophile has struck (or the swimming pool, soccer club, school etc.), or where a teenager learns how to make love from a violent porn movie, and most of all: where you can’t be there enough for your child because as parents you both are forced to work fulltime just to cover the insane expenses that comes with kids. In this society we’re almost being forced to let go of our own norm and values, because with all the stress that comes with simply living your life, who the fuck has time to think about values and hopes, dreams and wishes, let alone transfer them to the next generation. Too bad they misinterpret the Maya’s   wouldn’t be that fucking bad if the world ended soon. But assuming we will live for another couple of centuries, I’d like to believe that maybe, some day, everybody will see the world as I do, and there might be a small chance that it’s not too late to fix the damage.

I know I’m probably just fooling myself but if I can’t hold on to that, what is there left to live for?